My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
