i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
