I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
