I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
