This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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