I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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