there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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