i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
