I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Randomize
