I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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