I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
