I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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