It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
