Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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