if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
