I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
