Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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