Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
its liver damage thursday
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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