dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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