I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
