You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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