Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
