Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
