Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
