I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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