please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
