The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
