well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
