3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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