Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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