I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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