sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How does one acquire holy water?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
