So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
