I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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