I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
