She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
