She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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