My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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