Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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