____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
