I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
