Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
