Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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