The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
