I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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