i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
