Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
