i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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