You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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