is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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