Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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